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The Greatest Dad

A large company offered to fly me out to a meeting business
class. During the return flight we were given gourmet
brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save
them for later, so I placed them in an air sickness
bag.

After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached
me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to
dispose of that for you?"

I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

hehehehehe!!!



Traveling with a Pig

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled
him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you
know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the
front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."

The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said,
"To Memphis"

The cop said "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise
to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."

So the farmer promised he would. Several days
later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving
down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop
said "I thought I told you to take this pig to
the zoo when you got to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking
him to Kings Island now"

HUWA-HUWA-HUWA!!!



Eating with Children

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work,
and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old
girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The
girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man
checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his
hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring
at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally
it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink
like a fish!"

***************

Border Patrol

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with
two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks,
"What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike,
places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the
guard inspects only to find sand. The fellow packs the
sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the
bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"

"Sand."

"We want to examine."

Same results--nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally,
one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard
sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy,
you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling
something. I won't say anything, what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."



A Trucker's Breakfast

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner
has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order,

"Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I
think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what
he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side
up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks
at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order
this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"



The Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible
record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became
something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping
a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar
job. One blank on the job application called for the
reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."



Help Wanted

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by
a very nervous man who ran a small business that he
had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree,"
the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking
for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But
I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job
will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."



Fair Warning

Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling
sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay
like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."




Special Coffeecake

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was
time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet
seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid
his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived
at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded
him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained.
"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning
and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt
this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want
me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let
me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery',
and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth
time around the block, there it was!"




School's Back in Session

A high school teacher was giving a true/false test.
He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying
the students at work. He came upon one student who
was flipping a coin, then writing.

Teacher: What are you doing?

Student: Getting the answers to the test.

The teacher shook his head and walked on. A little
while later, when everyone was finished with the test,
the teacher noticed the student was again flipping
the coin.

Teacher: Now what are you doing?

Student: I'm checking the answers

JackJack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream
and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.
She gently released the little girl's grip and said
comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't
mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing
back in, she asked, "What happened?""She knows now," Jack replied.


PACE THE FLOOR
It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.
"Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.
"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's
due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm
going to do." Morris replies.
Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several
times more, "Sam, Sam."
Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back,
"What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"
Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you?He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, "Now you go to
sleep and let Sam pace the floor."HEHEHEHE! =)


THE DRIVER
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5thDWI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his supervisor. The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the supervisor
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
SGT: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.
SGT: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
SGT: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there'sa gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
SGT: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you saidthere's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.Trunk is opened; no body.
SGT: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? I'll bet that lying officer told you I wasspeeding, too.
hehehehehehe!! =)

THE DINOSAUR BONE
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, 4 years, and 6 months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were 3 million years old when I got here, and
that was 4 and a half years ago."THE BARBER SHOP

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber
is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it
back tomorrow like everyone else does."

hehehehehehe! =)


It's a Small World!

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While
the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled
over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license. "I see
you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date
with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did
he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

hehehehehehehe! =)






THE THREE TURTLES

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so
the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do
arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out
the sodas and says, Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I
didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you
packed it. Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do
you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it,
so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but
Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by
the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to
go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't
touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow andsteadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and
puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a
promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint
of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped
out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift
the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a
rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not fucking going!'


THE PINOY

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter,he sat
next to the famous
Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already
ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a
couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him.
Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool,felled by a vicious hook from the
director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat is dat por?!!!!"
Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in
that bombing!"
"I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.
The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese,
Filipino...you are all the same."
Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of
his
loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the
bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate
kick, sending the director flying halfway across the
room.
"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from
about fifteen feet away.
"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered
back.
"You ignorant prick! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the >director.
"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."
HAHAHAhehehehe!!




THE BARBER SHOP

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber
is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has
getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it
back tomorrow like everyone else does."

hehehehehehe! =)




It's a Small World!

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While
the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled
over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license. "I see
you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date
with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did
he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

hehehehehehehe! =)